Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
