i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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