Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
