I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
