I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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