YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
