I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
