my phone needs a breathalizer
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
