life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
where are you?
Hypothermia
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
