you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
