You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
