I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
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I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
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He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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