if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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