I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
