do herpes really smell.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
