On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
