Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
