I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
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It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
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I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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