Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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