I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
