i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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