I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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