I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
