dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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