I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
