I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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