So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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