Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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