her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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