How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
