im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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