im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
