I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
