Whats the glycemic index on semen?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
