I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
At least life still wants to fuck me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
