You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
