yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Your cock deserves a montage
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
