Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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