I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
