I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Randomize
