saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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