She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
