I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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