Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
