i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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