JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
