i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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