We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
