I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
