I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
