some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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