My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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