When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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