We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
