Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
