so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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