I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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