my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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