Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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