let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
