dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dick very happy bro
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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