IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
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Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
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Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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