it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
