I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
