I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
