We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
